


Ocean Cliffs

by winterspirit13



Category: Hetalia - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Gen, High School, High School AU, Human AU, Hurt/Comfort, I just wanted to finish a fic for once in my life, M/M, Suicide mention, Trans Character, alternative universe, btt makes an appearance, but is talked down, i just wanted to write something sad, it gets gay, lovi attempts suicide, spamano - Freeform, trans male, trans south italy, trans!lovino
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 08:18:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11574099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterspirit13/pseuds/winterspirit13
Summary: Suicidal thoughts are described in this fic, so if that sort of material could be harmful or triggering to you, please put your mental health first!........Antonio was a few feet away when he stopped. Some realization had clicked, an underlying anxiety had bubbled to the surface. When he turned around, Lovino was still there. He walked back and Lovino turned around, slightly startled.“What more do you want?” Lovino’s voice was tired.There was a tense moment of silence while Antonio hesitated. What if he was totally off? He wasn’t good at reading people, but this seemed too important to simply just hope he was wrong.“Why do I get the feeling you’re going to jump as soon as I leave…?”





	1. Antonio: The Discovery of a Storm

“I’m telling you! She thought I was awesome – you saw it, Antonio!” Gilbert gave a smug smile to Francis and turned to Antonio to back him up. The three of them sat in their high school hallway, leaning against the large windows. Other students streamed passed them, in a hurry to leave as quickly as possible for the weekend.

“I said I wasn’t getting involved!” Antonio was laughing. His eyes seemed to sparkle around his friends. It was a silly debate they were having, but lighthearted, and amusing to listen to nonetheless.

The three of them didn’t have as many classes together as they used to - just world history now, so they were happy to spend a little extra time talking in the school hallways instead of fleeing them.

“Hm, she was most clearly interested in someone else mon ami,” says Francis, rolling his eyes. “Now if I were the one talking to her-“

“Don’t you have a boyfriend, Francis,” interrupts Gilbert. He leans back on the wall, avoiding the club posters hung around them.

“Yes, yes, but if I _were_...”

“She would like you?” Antonio decides to chime in – he’s heard this enough time to guess what Francis would finish with. And, Antonio thought, Francis might just be right. He seemed to be, anyway, in matters like this, so Antonio would trust him.

“I thought you weren’t getting involved!” Gilbert puts on a rather over-the-top tone of betrayal. Though with Gilbert, many things can seem over the top. Not just him, but Francis too. Of course, Antonio wouldn’t say it to them, and he never really noticed the subtitler emotions they expressed. He was never very good at that, after all.

“It only makes sense he would side with me!” Francis flips his hair behind his shoulders. Yeah, Antonio had slightly dramatic friends.

Gilbert was about to retort when all three of them heard the buses start up. They weren’t exactly the stealthiest vehicles, after all. They watched them rumble their way away from the school.  
“Ah, sorry Toni…” Gilbert says while Francis smile apologetically.

“It’s alright – I’m gonna start walking now, then!” Antonio got up, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. The other two called out goodbyes to him, and he responded with a cheery wave until he made it out of the school.

Antonio had missed the bus, but that was okay. Chatting with Gilbert and Francis had distracted him. After all, time seemed to fly right by when he spent time with those two. He supposed it made sense, they were, after all, best friends.

Still, it might be nice if having great friends like them _helped_ him catch the bus instead of making him miss it. It wasn’t a problem for the two of them, after all. Gilbert drove and picked up his younger brother. Francis lived close enough to the school to bike there in just a few minutes.  
Of course, they hadn’t meant to. Neither of them paid much attention to it, It was Antonio who was too spacey to notice the time going by.

It certainly wasn’t the first time this had happened, and Antonio sincerely doubted that it would be the last time. It wouldn’t be too much of a problem if he lived closer, like Francis. Even Gilbert lived only a few miles from their school.

Meanwhile, Antonio lived on the very edge of their district. Not that he was complaining about where he lived, of course not. The long walk could help to clear his mind from the clutter of a stressful week, and his house was not too long of a walk to the ocean, which made summer days spent in the sun at the beach an often occurrence.

That was certainly something he enjoyed. It wasn’t as sunny, as warm here as it was back in Spain. But that beach, where he had spent plenty a long, hot summer’s day messing around with his friends almost brought some of the memories of his home country back.

Although, vacations back to Spain to visit family did that a little more, but that wasn’t the _point_.  
The beach wasn’t really too popular – it had large rocky cliff sides that made it difficult to even get to the water, and therefore it wasn’t exactly a busy tourist spot. It could get crowded in some of the warmest days of the summer, but today he would seriously doubt that there was anyone there.

The sky was filled with dark grey clouds. They were thick enough to make the afternoon look almost like evening. Antonio wouldn’t be surprised if a thunderstorm started up. There was a breeze, as well, just enough to give him goosebumps and make him shiver.

“I hope not…” mutters Antonio, speaking to himself. “My turtles hate storms!”

Not that he could really be certain, but it just _seemed_ like they did to him. So, maybe that wasn’t the most scientific way of proving that they hated storms, but Antonio didn’t mind that much.

A drop of rain hit Antonio’s nose, bringing his attention away from his (adorable) turtles and back to the weather.

“Aw…” Antonio had been hoping that the rain would hold off until he got home, or at least closer to home. He could see the ocean now. It was a dark blue-grey that almost blended in with the clouds so that the horizon blurred together with the sky. Waves crashed against the side of the cliffs that were before him.

Someone stood next to the edge of the cliff, looking out from the precipice to the sea. He looked to be about Antonio’s age, a little taller maybe. He couldn’t see their face, but their hair was somewhere lost between red and brown with a little curl sticking out.

_‘It looks like Feliciano, but I know that’s not him… maybe he has a sibling?’_ Antonio didn’t know, he had English and History with Feli, but not much else. He might have mentioned a brother but Antonio really couldn’t remember… oops?

Either way, they didn’t seem prepared for this weather at all. They had a tank top and pants on, and not anything else.

_‘They must be freezing!’_ Antonio thinks, considering offering his jacket. It wasn’t too much farther for him to walk, really, and whoever this guy was, related to Feliciano or not, they needed something more to be standing around on an ocean cliff like this.

Antonio had made up his mind; he would approach the stranger, offer his coat, and then fast-walk the rest of the way home. Then maybe take a nice hot shower and have some hot cocoa, as long as no one else was using the shower, that is.

He walked up to the stranger. Antonio almost recognized him, at a closer look. He probably saw him in the hallways, or somewhere else during school, Antonio wasn’t sure. “Um, hi! It’s kind of raining a lot, well, at least a bit-I mean you can see that of course-so I was wondering if you wanted to borrow my jacket,” said Antonio, rushing over the words.

He wasn’t bad with people, necessarily, but it was a bit nerve-wracking to approach someone he only slightly recognizes in order to offer them his jacket.

Antonio smiled awkwardly as he turned to look at him.

“What the fuck? What kinda weirdo comes up and offers their goddamn jacket to a fucking stranger, huh?!”

Antonio blinked several times. That wasn’t really the answer he had expected. “Oh, sorry! Just, my house is pretty close and I don’t know where you live but if you’re going to be standing here, a jacket would probably help you more, yeah?” He tries to explain himself. “And uh, I’m Antonio!”

There! Maybe he wouldn’t find him as much of as stranger now.

“…it’s Lovino,” the other replies.

“Do you want the jacket Lovi?” Antonio starts to take it off, planning on offering it.

“Can you not fucking hear? Lovino. And no, I don’t need your dumb jacket anyways, it would be-yeah.” Lovino cuts off his own thought. There was more to be said, something important, but Antonio leaves it be. If it really was important maybe Lovino would tell him anyway.

“Oh,” says Antonio. He slides his jacket back up his shoulders. He almost offers to go get an umbrella for Lovino but decides against it. “So, uh, what are you doing here? I don’t think I’ve seen you before, si?”

“I’ve biked passed here before,” Lovino grumbles, gesturing to a bike lying behind them, just off the road. Despite it being a loud red in color, Antonio hadn’t noticed it until it was pointed out. “And I felt like watching the ocean, so what?”

“During a rainy day like this?” It didn’t make much sense to Antonio, but he shrugged it off. He guessed some people wouldn’t mind this weather. Lovino didn’t answer right away, so Antonio moved on - he wanted to keep the conversation going. “Do you know Feliciano? You two look a lot alike,” Antonio points out.

Lovino’s eyes seem to harden, but with what, one couldn’t tell. And either way, Antonio wouldn’t be able to tell.

“He’s my brother, so yeah, I know him,” responds Lovino.

“Oh, really? That makes sense then I guess!” Antonio laughs a little. He reaches his hand to his forehead and pushes away some of the hair that had gotten in his face. The wind was picking up, and apparently, he needed a haircut. It, however, almost immediately returned to its previous place, so Antonio ignored it.

“No shit, idiot,” says Lovino as his eyes followed the quick motion of Antonio’s hand. “So are you planning on staying out in the rain talking to someone you don’t know, or are you going to leave, huh?” There was an odd edge to his voice, almost panicky.

Antonio’s not sure if he imagined it, though. Lovino seems grumpier than anything, glares being directed at him every few minutes. Less often, though, they would wander out to the ocean, distant, before snapping back to Antonio, when he moved or when he said something new.

“Well, you’re not too much of stranger anymore, your name is Lovi, I know your brother, and we go to the same school! Besides, talking to you more would make you less of a stranger, si?” He didn’t really want to leave, something about Lovino was pulling him, keeping him there.

Lovino stared at Antonio, either shocked by his air-headedness (a look Antonio received often enough from Francis) or thinking about what he said. Whichever one it was, Antonio couldn’t tell.

Lovino closed his eyes. Thinking then, maybe? When he opened them, the air seemed to freeze. What Antonio thought was a glare before was nothing compared to this. Everything about Lovino suddenly screamed “hostile”, leaving Antonio bewildered and thinking he most certainly missed something.

“Look, bastard, I didn’t ask for you to come offer me your dumb jacket, I didn’t ask for you to try to be my damn friend or talk about my brother!” Lovino snaps.

Antonio’s mouth is open, ready to speak when Lovino continues. “You’re just being annoying, alright? So just go away, and leave me the hell alone, because I never asked for you to fucking talk to me!”

Lovino’s chest was practically heaving for breath after his outburst. He was seething. Antonio’s eyes stung, a little - that wasn’t exactly what he had hoped to come from this, and he didn’t understand Lovino’s rejection.

“Ah, yeah, sorry for bothering you then,” says Antonio. Lovino just scoffs, and Antonio resigns himself to walk away from the boy standing on the cliff.

He steps back and starts to walk, sending a weak friendly smile back behind him. Lovino wasn't looking.

Antonio was a few feet away when he stopped. Some realization had clicked, an underlying anxiety had bubbled to the surface. When he turned around, Lovino was still there. He walked back and Lovino turned around, slightly startled.

“What more do you want?” Lovino’s voice was tired.

There was a tense moment of silence while Antonio hesitated. What if he was totally off? He wasn’t good at reading people, but this seemed too important to simply just hope he was wrong.

“Why do I get the feeling you’re going to jump as soon as I leave…?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day in the life of Lovino, and the thoughts that led him to be standing on that cliffside.

Lovino didn't want to wake up that morning. He felt a growing hatred for the light coming in through his window. He hated that it got light out so early - it was only 6 after all. The sky was mostly cloudy and dull, but it still managed to be so damn bright.

 

Turning over, Lovino turned his alarm on his phone off. He could hear his brother getting up in the next room, humming to himself cheerfully if a bit sleepily. Feliciano hated getting up early just as much as Lovino, but somehow found a way to always get ready in time for the bus anyway.

 

Well, not always. Sometimes Lovino would have to drive him to school, which Lovino hated. He did have a driving license, but driving in the morning when he would much rather be fast asleep? Not the best start to the day.

 

Somehow, Lovino doubted he would even be able to get out on time today, even if he managed to get out of his bed.

 

_What's the point?_ Lovino thought, staring up at his ceiling.  _'There's no one expecting me to be there. Hell, if anything, most of my classmates would be relieved not to see me today.'_

 

Skipping school wasn't something he did often. At least, it didn't use to be, but in the last few weeks... let's just say he'd be surprised if he actually passed this year of school.

 

Somehow, that didn't bother him as much as it should.

 

"Hey, Lovi? Are you up?" says Feliciano. Lovino hadn't noticed him entering the room. He was already dressed and even had his backpack in hand. How the hell did he get ready so fast?

 

"Yeah yeah, what do you want?" Lovino grumbled, sitting up just enough to be able to see Feliciano's face better.

 

"Oh, you are!" He smiled, "I was just about to leave…" Shit. Lovino glanced at his clock again. The bus would be here any minute, and somehow the time just managed to slip by him completely without his notice or his consent.

 

"...I'll just drive myself to school, go ahead." Feliciano paused, his eyebrows scrunching up. He didn't seem to trust Lovino on that, and he really didn't have too much reason to with the way things have been going as of late.

 

Still, Feliciano put on a smile, pushing down any worry he felt about Lovino and wished him a good morning. "I'll see you at school!" chirps Feliciano before leaving.

 

To his credit, Lovino did get up and did get dressed. It was just two hours before school ended. He honestly wasn't even sure what he spent so much time doing.

 

Lovino's phone buzzed loudly on the table, startling him.

 

It was a text message from Feliciano. He picks up his phone, quickly unlocking it. Lovino opens the message. "Lovi :( where r u? u coming? ;;"

 

Lovino looks around. His bag was still packed, so he slung it over his shoulder. After looking around, he manages to find his keys and drops them in his pocket for later. He'll definitely be driving.

 

"Yeah. Leaving now, don't worry so much"

 

His eyes stopped on a cliff side on the way to school, just a bit passed his road. His thoughts quickly went to a dark place. Lovino sped up before he could think too much about pulling over. He needed to get to school, make sure he at least  _got_ his homework, and make sure Feliciano wasn't too worried about him. There was a painful throb in his chest, and he didn't dare look back at the cliff on the side of the road.

 

Lovino barely made it in time for his 5th period. He rushed in the door as the bell rung-everyone had already sat down, and their eyes were drawn to Lovino. Fuck. He blushed a bright red and hurried to his seat.

 

The class passed by in a blur. He made sure to write down the homework in his phone notes - not that he really believed that he was going to do it - before leaving.

 

"Lovino! You're here!" All of the sudden he was being tackled in a hug. It was a surprise attack, a dirty trick.

 

It was Feliciano. Lovino shrugged him off after a few seconds, mumbling something about "brothers being too clingy" and perhaps a few choice words to go along with it, but there wasn't any real bite in his voice, so Feliciano's smile never faltered.

 

"Yeah, I'm here, so don't make me regret it, dammit," said Lovino, not really meaning any of it. His mind constantly berated him for all the things he hadn't done this morning - a list including, but not limited to: getting no homework done, not getting to school on time, not putting much effort into passing, not cleaning up, etc. - so having Feliciano being supportive and at least putting up with him?

 

That wasn't as awful as he was trying to make it out to be.

 

"Of course, of course!" Feliciano giggled, agreeing. The two of them walked through the crowded hallway slowly and Feliciano began to recount what had happened that day to Lovino, who was only half paying attention.

 

They managed to get to the last class before the bell had rung, much to Lovino's relief. It was way out on the other side of the school in a grouping of portables, so they'd been late before. Lovino quickly found his seat and looked up at the board.

 

Fuck. A substitute.

 

Just after the start of the year, Lovino changed his name officially in the school system. For some reason, however, the substitutes would occasionally get old class lists with the wrong name on them.

 

Lovino did  _not_  need that today. He sent a glance behind him to the left where Feliciano sat, hoping to signal his distress. His brother was much better at correcting the situation than he was.

 

However, he was talking to a group of his stupid annoying friends. Damn it…

 

Lovino closed his eyes as wished himself out of the class room, his eyebrows creasing his forehead in concentration. It didn't work.

 

The bell rung, signaling the start of class and startling Lovino from his wishful thinking. The substitute introduced herself, but Lovino couldn't remember her name the minute after she said it. He sat as she called the names of his classmates, a mixture of resignation and dread clouding his mind.

 

She called Feliciano's name first and then paused. When she called the next name, it wasn't his own. Lovino's face went red, and the room suddenly felt way too hot.

 

"It's, u-uh, it's Lovino," he said. He could feel the stares of his classmates on him.

 

"Oh?" The substitute checked her list again. "That's not what it says here, are you sure you're listed in this period? Here, would you like me to-"

 

Feliciano cut her off. "No, he's in the right place, that list just uses an old name!" He smiled, and the teacher nodded. Lovino was still shaking, completely humiliated. They were pretty much the last on the list, so the substitute went on after she finished entering attendance. Lovino couldn't bring himself to pay attention, instead replaying the moment again and again in his head.

 

Shit, he was nearly on the brink of tears, and he didn't want to make a bigger scene than he already had.

 

As they were given a bit of free time to do work, some of the students began to move, switching seats or walking around the room to grab something. Feliciano walked over, stopping in front of Lovino's desk.

 

"Hey, you okay?" He was biting back a long rambling apology - half of it was things he probably had absolutely nothing to do with, Lovino assumed - but he just didn't have the energy to hear it.

 

He didn't want some stupid apology from his brother, he didn't want a stupid email from his  _stupid_ school counselor about how this would "not happen again" and that she "had no idea why it happened". No, Lovino didn't want  _any of it._

 

The only thing he wanted to do right now was  _leave_. So that's what he did.

 

Lovino stood up, ignoring his brother's halfhearted protests, and walked out the door. He didn't hear the confused whispers of the other people in his class. He didn't hear the substitute yelling after him, or the person in the halls asking if he was alright. He didn't hear any of it, and he didn't  _want_ to hear any of it.

 

He shoved the front doors to the school open and walked out. There were bike racks, mostly empty, but a few were chained to it. Lovino noticed a familiar looking red bike; it was his, and it wasn't locked. He didn't even remember that he forgot to pick it up, however many weeks ago it was that he rode it here. He looked towards the parking lot, but his eyes were too blurry to see very well.

 

Lovino wiped his face, he was crying. He got on the bike, vaguely remembering the warning they were given in driver's ed about not driving when too emotional, as it was considerably more dangerous. Lovino didn't care much about his own safety, but he wasn't enough of an asshole as to want anyone else to get hurt because of him.

 

Lovino started peddling and the world felt like it was falling apart. He was most definitely panicking. Everything that had been piling up for the last - what, months? Years? - all of it came back to flood his mind.

 

The sign that marked his street came into view. He recognized it even without being able to read the words clearly. Instead of taking a right onto his street he veered off to the left.

 

He entered a different neighborhood he only vaguely recognized. He slowed down. The road, though paved, was littered with an occasional pothole. The air smelled like salt. Vaguely he recognized the mint green house on the corner, from the time he went to the beach with his brother and some of his friends.

 

That hadn't quite gone how he'd wanted. He tried to push the memory to the back of his mind, but it just overflowed with the rest of his tumultuous thoughts.

 

He stopped and set his bike in the grass. Oceans crashed against the cliffside, and he decided to sit and… think. Maybe watching the water would clear his thoughts or some shit like that.

 

It turns out, it didn't have that effect. In some ways he did feel calmer - he wasn't crying anymore at least. It wasn't a peaceful calm, but it wasn't quite the numbness that he had felt these last few weeks either.

 

There was still something inside him that hurt desperately, but the outside of him was still, decided.

 

Lovino dangled his feet over the edge of the cliff, goose bumps forming on his skin. It wasn't a nice day out, but he was dressed like it could be. But he wasn't convinced it was simply the cold. Thoughts ran through Lovino's head, thoughts that made his stomach flutter anxiously.

 

_You could jump,_ he thought.  _You'd drown, or get slammed against the rocks. Feli would never have to see you dead, the ocean would carry you away_

 

A pang of guilt struck him, thinking about Feliciano.  _But he has so many other people that care about him. You don't. He'd move on easy enough._

 

Lovino stood, just a few inches from the edge when a voice startled him.

 

"Um, hi! It's kind of raining a lot, well, at least a bit-I mean you can see that of course-so I was wondering if you wanted to borrow my jacket," said a brown haired stranger. He looked only slightly familiar, and about his age. Was it someone from his school? How long had he been out here anyways? And why the hell did this guy think he needed to talk to him, anyway?

 

In his surprise, Lovino snapped. "What the fuck? What kinda weirdo comes up and offers their goddamn jacket to a fucking stranger, huh?!"

 

"Oh, sorry! Just, my house is pretty close and I don't know where you live but if you're going to be standing here, a jacket would probably help you more, yeah?" He paused, looking a bit unsure. Lovino didn't understand what this guy's deal was, who did this sort of thing? Was it some sort of random acts of kindness bullshit? "And uh, I'm Antonio!"

 

"…it's Lovino," he said, feeling at least a bit obligated to share his name, even if it is a weirdly annoying (nice) stranger.

 

"Do you want the jacket Lovi," Antonio offers, taking it off. The bastard hadn't even waited for an answer, Lovino thinks.

 

"Can you not fucking hear? Lovino. And no, I don't need your dumb jacket anyways, it would be-yeah." It would be a waste giving it to him if he was just going to go and jump anyway, and didn't he know better than to give people things who were just going to waste it?

 

"Oh. So, uh, what are you doing here? I don't think I've seen you before, si?" Lovino fought the urge to roll his eyes. If he was done trying to do some kind deed, couldn't he just leave Lovino alone?

 

"I've biked passed here before," he shrugged as if it wasn't a very big deal at all. He's not sure how well he pulled it off, but Antonio doesn't seem to see through him yet. "And I felt like watching the ocean, so what?" Lovino knew he was sounded too defensive, but hopefully, Antonio would just chalk it up to his (shitty) personality. That and his presumably red and puffy eyes to the wind.

 

"During a rainy day like this?" Antonio looked confused, his head tilting a bit to the right. He seemed to shake the confusion off - much to Lovino's relief- and changed the subject. "Do you know Feliciano? You two look a lot alike!"

 

"He's my brother, so yeah, I know him," said Lovino, tensing up. Of course, Antonio knew Feliciano, of course, he would associate him with his brother. His brother, who actually had things like friends, talents, and passing grades.

 

"Oh, really? That makes sense then I guess!" Lovino's gaze snapped back to Antonio. He didn't realize that they had wandered back over the cliff. Couldn't this guy just hurry up and leave? He was making this whole thing so much harder as doubt began to infiltrate his mind.

 

"No shit, idiot. So are you planning on staying out in the rain talking to someone you don't know, or are you going to leave, huh?" Part of Lovino was beginning to hope he would stay, but that wasn't a hope he wanted to have right now.

 

"Well, you're not too much of stranger anymore, your name is Lovi, I know your brother, and we go to the same school! Besides, talking to you more would make you less of a stranger, si?" Antonio was looking at him fondly like he could be a friend. The thought panicked him. Lovino didn't  _make_ friendships, more often he ruined them. He always got hurt, so how dare this bastard imply they were anything less than two strangers who happened to meet by the ocean?

 

"Look, bastard, I didn't ask for you to come offer me your dumb jacket, I didn't ask for you to try to be my damn friend or talk about my brother!" Lovino's voice came out biting, he wanted this guy to leave, and quickly. He wouldn't convince himself to jump if Antonio kept this up. If this  _stranger_ kept this up.

 

There was a moment of silence, the air seems to crackle with electricity for Lovino - or maybe that was the oncoming storm. But before Antonio could open his mouth to say something that might make him change his mind, Lovino struck.

 

"You're just being annoying, alright? So just go away, and leave me the hell alone, because I never asked for you to fucking talk to me!" he was getting desperate, breathing heavily. It still felt like he couldn't get enough air.

 

"Ah, yeah, sorry for bothering you then," said Antonio. His voice was quieter, lacking some of the brightness that it had before. Lovino pretended not to notice the way Antonio's eyes got a little watery as he turned away.

 

_This is what I wanted,_ he told himself.

 

Still, he wasn't sure if it was relief or terror that filled him as he turned away to stare at the ocean. Mentally he was preparing himself for it. Antonio bumping into him was too close, he couldn't afford to think about this much longer, and as soon as Antonio was gone he needed to -

 

He heard footsteps approach, and then stop. Lovino turned around to find Antonio standing there. He wasn't expecting this.

 

"What more do you want?" Lovino's voice was tired.

 

There was a tense moment of silence while Antonio seemed to think. Lovino felt like he was about to burst. He recognized the look he had, it was one Lovino had seen on Feliciano several times before.

 

_He knew, but he didn't want to._ Shit. This was going to ruin everything -

 

"Why do I get the feeling you're going to jump as soon as I leave…?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2, I actually did it! It's a little late on a Friday, but it's still Friday. Thank you to everyone who stuck around after the first chapter and came back, and welcome to anyone new!
> 
> If things go according to plan, there will probably only be one more chapter. Do you guys have a preference of who's perspective it follows? Let me know, and also let me know how I did with writing Lovino! I make him deal with so many of my problems, but I promise, I really do love him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! I'm sorry this took so long, I wasn't even sure if I was going to finish it. But this story has a special place in my heart, so I'm glad I did. Enjoy!

Lovino froze. Antonio watched him as he stood perfectly still, not even seeming to breathe. Dread crept through his skin as he realized, he was right. His gut instincts when it came to this boy were right, as much as he didn’t want to be. Antonio could feel his heartache as he realized what could have happened if he didn’t notice how much he seemed to need someone, or if he hadn’t missed his bus, or even if he had biked by at the wrong time.

He could have jumped. The thought made Antonio feel sick to his stomach, his pulse beating heavily through his chest. He met eyes with Lovino, and the frozen boy suddenly broke.

Tears streamed uncontrollably down his face, and his eyes seemed to widen in shock at his outburst of emotion, so different than when he lashed out at him in anger. It took a few moments before the sobs caught up to the tears, and Antonio watched in distress as Lovino brought his clenched fist up to his mouth, biting down on a finger to silence them. He was shaking uncontrollably. 

“Hey… Lovi? Lovino? I’m gonna come closer, touch your shoulders, okay?” Antonio kept his voice soft, trying not to startle him. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if he moved too quickly, or stood too close. Lovino was still standing so close to the edge… Antonio tried to put it out of his mind.

He needed to focus on what was happening now. Lovino didn't seem to reject Antonio’s words, so he stepped forward, resting a hand on his shuddering shoulder. Lovino flinched, but made no effort to pull away, eyes still clenched shut. “Hey, it’s okay. I don’t know know what’s going on, but it’s gonna be okay,” Antonio offered a smile, Lovino’s eyes finding his face as he spoke. 

“I-I can’t… you don’t know that, dammit… you don’t know…” his eyes were panicked, and his voice had a sense of desperation.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I know it’s going to work out, Lovi,” Antonio says firmly. The rain is picking up, he notices. They stream down Lovino’s cheeks, mixing with tears until he can’t very well tell the difference between the two. He might not have even guessed he was crying if it weren’t for his puffy eyes.

Lovino opened his mouth to retort again, but Antonio cut him off. “It’s getting a bit too stormy out here, yeah? My house is just a few blocks down, let’s walk there - my mamá wouldn’t mind, even if she’s not home!” As Antonio offered, he guided Lovino away from the cliff, the immediate worry in his heart fading into a deeper ache of concern at the boy who followed him as if in a daze, chest still rattled with sobs. 

“Is that okay?” Antonio asked, just to make sure he knew what was going on, or if it was better to do something else, like maybe just bring him home, or-

“Yeah, whatever, bastard...” Lovino’s quiet voice cut through his worried thoughts. Antonio walked with Lovino in silence, both of their bikes left beside the cliff, the metal clinking as raindrops pounded down. Normally, Antonio would have never left them sitting there, especially in the rain, or else face his mother’s strict lecture about how they might be stolen, or get rusted from the wet, but Antonio knew that these were different situations. She wouldn’t mind if she knew that he was helping someone like this.

When the two of them got off the main sidewalk and Antonio wasn’t as worried about the other boy running away or something similar, he let his hand drop the side. Lovino didn’t look up, his eyes were glued to the pavement it seemed. Antonio wanted him to stop crying, but he wasn’t sure how to go about doing that, not now or here where he surely wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing whatever was wrong.

So instead, Antonio did what he did best - he started to talk. Or ramble, more accurately, filling up the space between him and Lovino with words, mostly meaningless. “I was really hoping that it wouldn’t storm today,” he said, “because my turtles are so scared of the thunder! And with it raining like this, it’s probably going to thunder, don’t you think? I would try to cheer them up by giving them their favorite treat, tomatoes - you know it’s my favorite too! - but they get too spooked to even eat I think!” 

He rambled on, exhausting topics from his turtles, to the book he was (not) reading in English, and even to the flowers he spotted growing in the cracks of the sidewalk in the school parking lot. Lovino didn’t say anything in response to him, but Antonio didn’t really expect him too. He did, however, notice the weak smile that caught Lovino’s expression ever so often, boosting Antonio’s confidence to continue. 

When Antonio finally had run out of things to say, they had arrived at his house. He walked up to the door, punching in the four-digit code he had to memorize ever since he moved into the house. He heard a beep, and the door unlocked. Antonio walked in, pushing the door open as Lovino followed.

They were silent as he lead Lovino to his room. He couldn’t stop from fiddling with his fingers nervously - he wasn’t really sure what to do, all of this seemed too big. He knew that people usually said to inform an adult and all that - but what if that just made things worse? 

He would tell his mamá when she got home, he decided. She wouldn’t get him in any trouble. And for now… for now, Antonio would make sure he got warmed up, and he would be the friend Lovino clearly needed right now. 

Antonio gestured for Lovino to sit down on his bed, but he hesitated. “We’re both dripping wet, dumbass, I’ll get it soaked” Lovino’s voice had a biting tone, but no energy behind it.

“Ah, you’re right!” Antonio forces out a small chuckle, “I’ll get some towels, just wait here a sec.” Antonio stepped out of the room, glancing behind him as he walked down the hallway. He got a small glimpse of Lovino, walking around, picking a few things up off his nightstand. The sight brought a small smile to his face. 

He turned his attention to the small closet in his hallway. Opening it, he grabbed a couple of towels for the two of them. As he walked back into his room, he saw Lovino standing, as if he had never moved at all. “Here you go,” Antonio said as he passed the towel to him, rustling through his drawers, grabbing a fresh shirt. He changed quickly, hardly noticing the awkward cough behind him. 

“Do you want a dry shirt?” Antonio turned around, still pulling down his faded red t-shirt. It was well worn but comfortable. 

“U-uh, sure. Yeah.” Lovino flinched as Antonio threw the shirt at him, but he grabbed it all the same. “Just… turn around while I change, dammit..” he grumbled. 

Antonio chuckled, muttering a quick apology as he complied. IT confused him a bit, but Antonio figured that Lovino might just be shy, and he certainly had reason to feel shaken up at the moment. The reminder of the situation Lovino had just been in sucked the laugh out of his chest, and the smile from his face. 

He didn’t want anyone he met to feel like what he had seen then. Antonio was determined to know more, to help in some way.

When Lovino was done changing, Antonio hung the two dripping shirts to dry before sitting himself down on his bed, face to face with the other teen.

“So, Lovi,” Antonio paused a mix of anxiety and dread bubbling in his chest. He wasn’t always good at this kind of stuff. Sure, he could make people smile with ease, and he would always help with getting tasks done, but he knew he could be a little dense with emotions. But this was important, so he had to do his best. “What happened? Why… why were you out there?”

Lovino looked away. His heart beat in his chest faster, and he found himself fidgeting, pulling on his fingers as he waited to see if Lovino would respond.

Finally, he did. “I just… I wanted all of this shit to end,” Lovino said softly, his voice wavering. Antonio hummed, inviting him to go on.

“Everything’s been so fucking dumb! Mostly me, I can’t get up, I can’t go to school, I can’t do shit, just because I’m too damn depressed, and I just want it to stop! Today was just the last straw, the substitute in the one class I actually went to used my fucking deadname, and I just… I’m so fucking tired,” Lovino choked back a sob.

“Ah..” Antonio felt his heart clench for the boy. He’d never had to deal with depression himself, but he’d seen Gilbert on some of his worst days until he started medication. But wait - “Deadname? Like… oh, are you trans?”

Lovino looked up, quirking an eyebrow. “Yeah, bastard, I thought that part might be kind of obvious,” he said with a sniffle, wiping his face. 

“Oh, sorry! I guess I didn’t really notice..” Antonio rubbed the back of his head. “But that’s no problem with me!” Antonio offers a reassuring smile. “And.. and I being depressed can make you lose hope, but it’s not always going to be like that. My best friend Gilbert-”

“What, that potato-eating piece of shit?” Lovino scoffed.

“He’s my friend, Lovino,” Antonio stated firmly. “He’s really not that bad!”

Lovino rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever you say, bastard.”

Antonio’s eyes creased. He didn’t understand why Lovino was being rude like that, and he was worried that he was just going to make everything worse somehow if he brought up someone he clearly didn’t like. 

Seeming to notice Antonio’s expression, Lovino was looking guilty himself. “Shit, I’m doing it again. Look, I don’t particularly like him or his brother but I don’t know why I’m so fucking mean about it all the time, it just one of the reasons people would be better-”

Antonio cut Lovino’s rant short. “No, don’t finish that,” he said firmly. He couldn’t stand the tone of self-loathing in the other boy’s voice. “You're upset, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, yeah? I forgive you, anyway.”

While Lovino looked a bit shocked, he nodded anyway. “Look, I don’t really know why you care so much about a stranger, bastard, but that’s pretty much all there is to me. So that’s why… yeah. That’s why.”

Antonio shook his head fervently. “I know that’s not everything! You’re a whole person Lovi- not just your hurt, or the bad times, or any of that! And.. talking about that kind of stuff might just make you feel better, anyways, and I want to help.”

Antonio scanned Lovino’s face for any sign of him being willing to actually comply. But his face was stubborn, unreadable to him. So Antonio tried a different idea.  
“What if we play a game?” He pokes Lovino, who scowls at him.

“A game?”

“Yeah! I’ll ask you a question, and you have to answer it, but you can ask me any question! It doesn’t even have to be anything serious each time, it’ll be… kind of like truth or dare! But just truth or truth, so we don’t have to ask that part,” Antonio explains. 

Lovino rolls his eyes. “That sounds like a dumb kind of game, bastard.”

Nodding his head, Antonio doesn’t seem to be phased by Lovino’s lack of enthusiasm. “Maybe, but we should still do it,” he insists.

Sighing, he agrees. “Fine, then I take the first question. What’s your favorite food?”

Antonio smiles. It worked! As long as he was talking to him, Antonio had to believe that things were going to be okay. “Oh, that’s easy! I love Paella, and tomatoes, and_”

“Hey, dumbass, you can only choose one,” interrupts Lovino. “But tomatoes are the best,” he agrees, giving a small nod of approval. 

“Okay then... Lovino who’s the most important person to you?”

“That’s easy, Feliciano,” Lovino quickly replies. He takes his time to ask Antonio the next question, leaving him fidgeting, playing with his hands again. “Why did you stop me, today? What made you do it?” Antonio could only just make out his voice, with how quietly Lovino was speaking. 

Antonio runs his hand through the curls in his hair, thinking. “Well, it was storming, and you didn’t have a coat… but also, uh, you might think it’s a little silly, but you just looked like you might have needed a friend,” he said, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck.

“Hmph… well, you’re right.”

“Huh?” Antonio tilts his head. 

“It does sound silly, you’re a dumb bastard, too.” Lovino takes in Antonio’s taken aback look. “But I guess you weren’t wrong, if that makes you happy.”

Antonio laughs. “Yeah, I guess it does.” He was starting to understand a bit more about Lovino just by the way he talked. It was obvious that he was hurting, but Antonio got the feeling that the biting remarks were just the way he talked, even if he didn’t particularly dislike the person. The realization was relieving, but he also couldn’t help but be intrigued by him. For some reason, Lovino made him pay attention, made him want to pay attention, even if he wasn’t friendly in the same way as Antonio was. 

“Hm, okay… then why didn’t you tell anyone, before? Ask for help, or tell your brother, or someone…?”

“Oh.” Lovino looked to the side, avoiding Antonio’s gaze. He seemed to be biting his cheek as if he was doing anything to prevent himself from telling too much to Antonio, from being too vulnerable. But something was still compelling him to be honest, to vent to Antonio the things that he’d been holding back for so long.

“Feliciano worries too much about me. Ever since he found out about any of it, he saw that I hurt myself, he saw my depression get worse, and I just didn’t want him to pity me, to worry over me. He’s happy, he’s talented, he’s can make friends, I'm not- I wasn’t worth it, dammit.” Lovino’s hand clenched into a fist, his nails biting into the skin. Antonio put his hand on his, and Lovino relaxed it.

“Lovi… you don’t have to go through that stuff alone. Friends, Feli, me… even go to the school office!”

“Bastard, I wish it was that easy!” Lovino huffed. “I don’t think I even deserve the help! I’m not sure if it would even do anything, make anything better, and that feeling.. That’s so hard to fight, you don’t get that, idiot!”

Antonio sighed. He knew he didn't understand, but still, he wanted to help Lovino, and yet he was still so upset. “Then how about someone asks you? I could, I don’t mind listening to a friend! But if you do feel like hurting yourself, tell someone, yeah?”

Lovino hesitates, but eventually nods. “I’ll try. You’re still an idiot, though.”

Antonio smiles. “Don’t be mean, Lovi~”

“Dammit, I’ve been telling you, Lovino, it’s hardly like we’re friends anyways,” Lovino snaps back at him.

He huffs. “Fine, let’s get to know each other more, then! It’s your turn to ask, anyways!”

The two sat on Antonio’s bed for what must have been over two hours, talking. Antonio told Lovino about his turtles, about his dad leaving and how he would still get anxious that the rest of the people in his life would do the same, and how much he loved playing the guitar. Lovino talked about how insecure he always felt, especially being considered manly enough, but also how he wanted to paint, even though Feliciano was better at it than him, and how he used to care for a little vegetable garden in his backyard before his depression got worse. 

Although the storm was still going outside as it got dark, Antonio’s room felt warm and peaceful. Even the two turtles in his tank had settled down, Antonio realized with a smile. 

“You know Lovi? I’m glad you’re here. I like you,” Antonio said. 

Lovino couldn’t stop a small smile from spreading across his face. It was tired, but still there. “Lo-vi-no,” he sounded out, “but you’re not too bad either. Even though you’re an idiot. And a bastard.”

Antonio laughed, “You know, it’s kind of hard when you say all of those together, Lovi.” 

Both of their heads turned as the sound of the front door opening reached Antonio’s room. Lovino flinched, glancing unsure at Antonio.

Noticing this, Antonio quickly reassured him, “That must be my mamá home from work,” he smiled. “I’ll tell her you’re here, I’ll be back!”

Antonio scuttled down the hallway and down the stairs to the front door where he found his mamá still putting away her bag from work. She looked tired, like she usually did after a long shift, but her eyes brightened as she saw him. 

“I have someone over… is that okay? He needs help from a friend,” said Antonio, looking hopeful. 

His mamá smiled. “Of course, dear! I can make him dinner - let him know he can stay as long as he likes, alright? As long as you don’t get behind at schoolwork,” she added.

Antonio nodded quickly. “Of course! Thank you!”  
Usually, he knew that she might not be so… well, completely lenient about having someone at the house with no notice, especially on a school night. But Antonio knew she wanted to always help others - maybe he’d picked it up from her, he thought to himself. 

Returning to his room, and sitting on his bed, he let Lovino know that he could stay, for dinner, and for as long as he needed.

For a second, it seemed like Lovino might protest his offer, moth open and eyebrows scrunched - it was almost like he was embarrassed by the offer, it was kind of cute, Antonio thought - but instead he nodded. 

“Yeah, that’s fine. Sounds good, bastard.”

“Do you need to tell anyone?” Antonio asked. He didn’t want to get his newfound friend in trouble, after all. 

“Oh, fuck,” Lovino muttered, his eyes going wide. 

“Huh? What’s wrong?” Antonio’s voice was a higher pitch than usual, concerned. 

“Just - Feli’s going to freak since I didn't come home. I’m known for doing dumb shit, after all.”

Antonio didn’t know how to respond to that, so he let out a chuckle, awkwardly, as he watched Lovino pull out his phone. 

“Ah, shit, of course. My stupid fucking phone is dead - do you have an iPhone charger?” Lovino asked, holding up his lifeless phone. 

“Ah, sorry Lovi! I have an android so…”

Lovino rolled his eyes. “Of course you do, dumbass. Can I… can I use yours?”

Antonio noticed as Lovino asked, he cocked his head to the left a bit. The fact made him smile, so he tucked it away. Maybe he would need a Lovi-brain-file, to make sure he remembered everything. 

Antonio handed over his phone, and Lovino dialed the number, standing up from the bed to pace around the room. He couldn’t hear much but Lovino’s side, but from what he could tell, he had called Feliciano, who seemed to be speaking at a thousand miles per minute. 

“Look, dumbass, I’m just having dinner here. Yes, I’m fine. I’ll tell you what happened later. No, stupid, he’s not a serial killer! It’s Antonio, do you know Antonio? See? Then stop fucking worrying. Am I…? Uh, I’ll ask…” Lovino let the hand holding Antonio’s phone drop beside him. 

“Hm?” Antonio asked. 

“Uh… do you mind if I just… stay over? Don’t let it get in your head bastard! I just don’t want to explain everything right now…” 

Antonio smiled. “Of course Lovi! You’re welcome too. Besides, my turtles like you!” He gestures to the tank that holds his pets. One of them is hiding in its shell, and the other is munching on a piece of some vegetable, slowly. 

Lovino shook his head at Antonio’s antics but relaid the information over the phone to his brother anyways. Once he seemed to have comforted Feli, he finally hung up and handed the phone back to Antonio. 

The two of them talked for the next hour. Antonio occasionally finding dumb videos for them to watch. But soon enough, the smell of the homemade meal wafted to Antonio’s room. He giggled, hearing both his and Lovi’s stomachs rumble.

“Looks like it’s almost done!” Antonio chirped. “Let’s go down, yeah?”

Antonio looked at Lovino. There was a smile on his face, and he nodded. 

He knew this wouldn’t solve everything, but for now, it seemed… everything was alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I seriously wouldn't have finished this if it weren't for you guys reading it now! This fandom has been so important to me, and even though I can't say I'm as involved as I used to be, these characters really hold a special place in my heart.
> 
> If you read this, please leave a comment! They mean more to me than you know! Also, let me know if you guys want an epilogue for this? I still have ideas about what would happen after, I'm just not sure if anyone would be interested.
> 
> Thanks again!

**Author's Note:**

> Woo, first chapter! I'm never sure if I'm getting Antonio's thoughts right. Please comment to let me know what you think!   
> I started this quite awhile ago as a vent piece, but now I'm a bit determined to finish it! The next chapter will be from our dear Lovino's perspective (perhaps with the others, who knows). 
> 
> Anyways, sorry to leave this on a CLIFF hanger... get it??? No, I'm not funny? Well, either way, it just had to be done. Please leave a review if you can and thank you so much for reading!


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